We were traveling out of Wisconsin back to the Icebox. After 200 miles, the plan was to stop and all six of us would get a treat. All bathroom breaks would be by the side of the road unless someone called out, “number two.” I like plans because there is a goal in sight. I feel happy and secure with a plan. But sometimes...plans change.

“Debbie, you’re going to have to give me some grace here.”
 
“No, Dan, I can’t give you grace when grace is the very thing that I need right now. It’s not fair to ask that of me when you can see that I’m struggling in the first place.”

“Well, what’s the problem?”

“The problem is that you’re not nice and you didn’t stick to the plan. You didn’t buy anyone but yourself a treat when we stopped for the #2 break and then when I didn’t understand your joke about the Snicker’s wrapper, you didn’t repeat your comment but instead said, ‘never mind,’ like I’m stupid and no fun.”

“Is this really just about the candy wrapper?”

“Of course not, Dan, it’s about loving me when I’m not so lovely. It’s about love. Love is patient. Love is kind.

“Well it’s hard to be nice and loving to you, Debbie, when you’re so cranky.”

“Dan, I’m not cranky and even if I was cranky, you saying that I’m cranky won’t help me become less cranky. All I’m asking for is a LITTLE GRACE!”

“Mom and Dad, can you guys stop fighting?” We’ve been driving for 25 minutes already... since the ‘candy wrapper’.”


 “Dan, I just need some basic kindness and appreciation from you. I’ve been driving now for 150 miles. There are 350 miles remaining in this trek out of Wisconsin back to International Falls. I hate driving. I have a headache. I need a treat. And, I need some grace. Dan, you frustrate me so much. Why can’t you just ask me how you can help, instead of adding to my crankiness?”


“Okay, Debbie, what can I do for you?”
 
“Get out of the van?”

I learned early on in our marriage that there are four kinds of... “I’m sorry.” There is: 1) I’m sorry I got caught, next time I’ll be smarter 2) I’m sorry, so you’ll say you’re sorry. 3) I’m sorry you’re such an idiot. And, finally the only one worth something... 4) I’m sorry enough, not to do it again. The number four works really well for me if I can stop and look at how I’m contributing to the argument or situation and say, from a pure heart, “I’m sorry for my part in this mess.” But, more often than not, I use, “I’m sorry,” number three. “I’m sorry you’re such an idiot and are unable to see it my way...the right way.”

Stormie Omartian has written some great books about the power of prayer. Even though I haven’t read the “praying wife” book in years, I clearly remember the very first line of the book.

Stormie asks us, as wives, “Do you want to do right or be right?”

Without hesitation, I can still answer the question the same way I did a couple of years ago, “I want to be right,” because I am.

Of course that’s not the point, being right that is. Doing the right thing is the more mature choice regardless if I am right or not and for me that usually means I should “shut up.” My husband Dan and I have good communication skills. Well, we communicate but I guess it’s not always good. Sometimes we yell. Sometimes I cry. I usually feel the need to voice my opinion on most every subject that we discuss and I also usually feel the need to have Dan agree with all my opinions. I don’t do very well with, “Debbie, let’s just agree to disagree.” I can accept that comment and even follow it when I’m feeling loved. If I’m not feeling loved, intense communication usually results. I know that Dan loves me and I him. I know love is a choice and for better or worse I choose to love Dan.

Dan often tells me, “not to think with my feelings.” This is good advice but I also think I shouldn’t completely discount my feelings. Author Dr. Gary Chapman came up with a good system with his idea of love languages. He says that, “People express and receive love in different ways and he identifies these as the five languages of love: Quality Time, Words of Affirmation, Gifts, Act of Service and Physical Touch.

“If you express love in a way your spouse doesn’t understand, he or she won’t realize you’ve expressed your love at all. The problem is that you’re speaking two different languages.” Dan can do the laundry (Acts of Service) and I’m very appreciative. Dan can surprise me with flowers (Gifts) and I’m thankful. Dan can praise me for the good job I’m doing as a mother to our four sons (Words of Affirmation) and I’m proud. Dan can hold my hand and give me kisses (Physical Touch) and I feel special. But none of those things really communicate, to me, how much Dan loves me. It’s only when Dan sits on the couch and gives me his full attention, listening to my thoughts, and stories (Quality Time) that I not only feel loved... I know I am loved.

Dan’s love language is Words of Affirmation. When we are arguing and I attack him personally and make a statement like, “You’re not nice,” I am being very unloving towards Dan. It’s okay for me to say that an action of his makes me feel bad. And so instead of telling Dan he’s not nice it’s better if I say, “I don’t feel like you care a lot about me, when you buy a Snicker’s candy bar for only yourself, during a road trip bathroom break.”

Sometimes Dan will leave me a note stating how much he appreciates me and then be puzzled why I’m not in a better mood when he comes home after work. “Didn’t you get my note?” he asks. 
I tell him, “I did and it’s nice but what I really want is for you to come home a little earlier and spend time with me!”

We both tend to communicate in the love language we understand best. Spending time with me is important to Dan but it doesn’t have the same super-positive affect as me telling Dan how proud of him I am. Discovering each other’s love language has definitely helped our marriage. This knowledge doesn’t mean we never have break downs in communicating, but it does mean we are better and quicker at fixing the breakage when it does happen. 


About six years ago Dan read a book by famed attorney and author, Gerry Spence, entitled, How to Win Every Argument. Dan thought the book was well written with ample advice on how to win an argument.
“But....” the author cautioned, “Do not use these principles on your spouse because you many end up winning the argument but losing the relationship.”  
 
Dan told me what Gerry said after he read the book, which I thought was nice of him, because sometimes when we’re arguing I say, “Don’t use lawyer talk with me. I’m not a trial.”

Mostly, Dan is the nicer one in our relationship. When I have a meltdown he sticks with me even though I know he’d rather leave the room until I finish melting. He hears me out as I cry and express all the feelings and frustrations that are swirling around inside me. Sometimes I’m just a puddle on the kitchen floor.

Dan pleads with me, “Debbie, can’t we sit on the couch, in the living room, where it’s more comfortable?”

No”, I cry, “I need to sit here.”

And so Dan sits next to me, on the floor, listening to me and loving me... when I’m not so lovely. For my part, I greatly respect Dan. I am proud that despite a crazy childhood with some major obstacles to overcome, he was able to work his way through college and law school. I’m proud that he never abused drugs and alcohol and instead he chose to better himself and reach out and help others. Dan is a caring father and a supportive husband and he’s nice. And even though I wish he would agree with me more often... I love him.

After about 45 minutes of riding in silence I realize that although Dan can make me really crazy and really mad, I don’t want to get rid of him. I exit off the freeway because a sign indicates there is a Dairy Queen waiting for me and I need my treat, a root beer freeze. We all pile out of the van and the boys watch as Dan puts his arms around me.

“I’m sorry Pretty Debbie for not being kinder to you. You are doing a great job driving, especially when I know you don’t like driving. And I really appreciate you driving because it helps me so I can work on my lap top and get some work done.”

I don’t say anything but let myself be hugged.

“And...I will listen to what ever you want to listen to on the radio. Or if you want, I’ll listen to... just you. You know, I love you.”

I sigh and look up into his eyes.

“I love you too Dan… and I’m sorry.” And…I mean it.